from my reading today:

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word:

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

galatians 5:13-14

an addition to 'whys and hows' . . .

i was thinking more about the why and how questions. and i came up with another question:

why do we question things so much?

and then it hit me. a long time ago, way back in the beginning, i suppose humans (adam and eve, really) didn't question things. things simply were. the relationship that they had with the Creator was such that there was no reason for them to question anything for everything that they needed was provided . . . they had NO NEED - physically or spiritually. their perfect relationship with God and the perfect world in which they lived left nothing to be questioned. i suppose the questions only came when sin came. when the relationship was wrecked, when the balance was disrupted.

in a way, sin, at least for a lot of the big "adult" why questions, is both the cause for them and the answer to them:

why does sickness and death strike people that we love so strongly and suddenly?
why do we humans hurt each other so much?
why is it that God seems so far off sometimes?

does this make any sense?

it seems to me that
the reason that we question is because we were created to understand.

does this seem way off? i'm really just thinking out loud on this one . . .

whys and hows

it's the "why" questions that are the hardest.

i must have learned this at an early age. we all do, i suppose. seems that all kids go thru that phase where they ask a question, they get an answer and then the immediate next thought is "but why?" and then the answer to that question is followed with, "but why?" and so forth and so on until the answerer is exhausted and out of answers.

why do lightning bugs light up?
why can't i hit my brother if he hits me first?
why do i have to go to school?
why was that girl mean to me?

seems our hearts, even when we are little, long to know the "why" of things.

only when we get older, or why questions become a little deeper . . . a little more involved . . .

why does sickness and death strike people that we love so strongly and suddenly?
why do we humans hurt each other so much?
why is it that God seems so far off sometimes?
why am i the way i am?
why is it that people have such a hard time agreeing on things?

and somehow, even if the more involved "why" questions are answered, often times they only lead into the more complicated "how" questions . . .

how are we to deal with grief and pain?
how do we find peace and forgiveness and love for people that have hurt us?
how do we have a relationship with God?
how do we become the people we were intended to be?
how do we know which "truths" and really the Truth?

in these questioning moments (which life is overwhelmingly full of) it seems my belief in God - in Yawheh, the only true God - is clutch.

because as much as i search the history books or the 6 o' clock news or the internet, the answers are not there. not even science or common sense or philsophers or my parents can give me all the answers to all the "why" questions. and none of those give me effective answers to the "how" questions either.

but then i search the Scriptures. and i see Him. God shows up and speaks of our condition as humans, of my particular struggles and of Himself. and He gives answers. not always the answers that i thought i wanted, or to the fullness i wanted, or in a way that i completely understand, but answers nonetheless. sometimes the answer can simply be, "I have brought this about. and it is good. because I am Good. so trust it. trust Me."

and if i don't always get it . . . if i don't always like the answer, i am forced to remember that i am not God. and that i'm not always going to get it. His understanding if so far superior to mine that it is astounding. and He may not ever tell me the answer fully or so that i can grasp the reasoning.

but i read - and so believe - that He is Creator, Life-Giver, Sustainer. that He is Love and Truth and Justice. and i look further into the story to see all of that lived out in a man named Jesus. and i get trust-evoking answers to the why questions. and effective, life-changing answers to the how questions.

He is enough to handle all of the questions. all of the whys and the hows.

"i think there is a reason bedtime stories always end with 'happily ever after.' once everything is happy and there's no struggle, then there's no more story to tell. we don't want to hear about happiness and peace unless the story also includes freedom and discovery. without discovery all you have is monotony. without freedom, utopia isn't paradise after all.

it's just hell in a fancy prom dress."

-steven james, story

courage

talked to my mom tonight. she was in a hotel room in denver. waiting for my dad to get out of his business meeting.

my dad travels out to denver frequently. they have a big office out there. he's the boss-man so he has to go out there. but this time my mom went.

they are house-hunting. after years of fighting it, my mom has finally agreed to go. so my parents are moving. to denver. all the way across the u.s. i can hardly believe it.

as i talked to her tonight and was thinking about it later, i realized something. another "realization of emotion" similar to my "happiness" epiphany today . . .

i am proud of my parents.

"strange," i thought. "isn't it supposed to be the parents being proud of their kids?"

but i am indeed proud of my parents.

for thirteen years they have lived in the same house. they have lived next to the same neighbors (on both sides, i might add) for 13 years. they have seen their three kids thru middle school, high school and college in that house. they have gone from a full house to an empty nest there. they have re-modeled every room in the house at least once. my dad has driven 1-95 up and back to d.c. every day. they have watched our town change from lots of green fields to lots of strip malls and restaurants and wal-marts. they have developed close friendships over the years.

they are established. and now they are leaving.

and i am proud of my parents because they are courageous. it takes courage to look at a house that you have spent years making into your home and give it away to someone else. it takes courage to take on the daunting task of packing up, throwing out or giving away what the nooks and crannies of a house have accumulated over 13 years. it takes courage to leave everything that you know, everyone you know (even your three kids) and move across the country. it takes courage to step out of the comfortable and known into newness that can be intimidating and lonely.

i admire this courage in them. probably because i want so much for me to be that way too. to be courageous.

i am both proud of my parents and so excited for them. i found myself smiling as my mom (who is NOT a city person) told me how she's spent her day running around downtown denver, learning how to use the public transit system, offering up a bagel and jelly to a homeless woman who was nursing a cup of coffee in the diner where she had breakfast, looking at homes that are only 5 mins away from where my dad will work so he will no longer have a 1-3 hour commute each way every day, wishing that i were there with her because "sarah, you would fit so well here."

my parents are moving to denver. exciting.

sitting and happiness

do you ever just sit? not sit and read. not sit and listen to music. not sit and watch t.v.

just sit.

i accidently went to volleyball an hour early tonight. so i had an hour to kill. and i found myself just sitting. in the dugout of an empty baseball field. on the cold metal bench. watching the sunset.

and as i was sitting, i had this thought some over me. "i am happy."

so i sat a little longer just kinda mulling that over in my head. it's kind of a funny realization to come to, you know. the realization of such a basic emotion. it's almost as if i had been standing out in the rain for 10 minutes and all of a sudden realized, "hey, i'm getting wet." like i should have noticed it a long time ago.

so then i thought, "well, why am i happy?" and a million things started flooding my mind. and i started listing them. here's part of the list.

i'm happy to be sitting on a cold, metal bench watching the sunset.
i'm happy to know the God that created the sun and moves it across the sky every day.
i'm happy that no one in the world knows where i am right now except God.
i'm happy to have seen steph and faith tonight.
i'm happy for the 4 new c.d.s i got in the mail.
i'm happy that God has given certain people the ability to make words and music go well together; to express feeling and thoughts and ideas that i can't so poetically put words to.
i'm happy kyrie intoduced me to k.t. tunstall.
i'm happy the the book i ordered came in.
i'm happy that i had a relatively easy day at work.
i'm happy i got to take a walk with 2 of my co-workers at lunch.
i'm happy that God has blessed me with a mind capable of doing what i do.
i'm happy that i love what i do.
i'm happy for grace for the many times i think of myself rather than my God and others.
i'm happy to know the God who is Love - and to know that He changes me into a person of love.
i'm happy about getting to take pictures for my friends this saturday while they play volleyball.
i'm happy that God is too mysterious for me to fully understand.
i'm happy that He is also bigger than my doubts; that He can handle them.
i'm happy to have talked with my mom tonight.
i'm happy because the girls in my small group bless me more than i could ever bless them.
i'm happy because i've finally realized that it's the Holy Spirit's job to change a person's heart, not mine.
i'm happy that the word of God speaks for itself.
i'm happy that it's getting warm outside.
i'm happy that i accidently went to volleyball an hour early.


so, yeah . . . i realized tonight that i am happy. all because i took the time to sit.